The Day Before

I'm geting ready for Mother's Day today. I told The Boy all I wanted from him was for him to shave tonight instead of waiting until tomorrow morning and to not give me a hard time about getting up and going to church in the morning. He agreed to all of that and took me to lunch today. All I have left to do today is finish Grammy's present and card, make Strawberry Pretzel Salad and Pineapple Macadamia Bread for tomorrow, get all of my church stuff together and ironed, and wrap a couple of presents.

The Boy turns 18 tomorrow. I have never felt anxious about his birthday before, but this is a big deal age, and I find myself feeling little pangs of "I'm not ready." I almost feel like I did right before he was born. I feel really scared about what's coming next and I don't think I'm ready for it. I'm tearing up just thinking about 18. That's just too old for my baby. And it's bringing back all of the grief and regrets that I couldn't have any more kids. Technically it was my decision to stop with just The Boy, but it was only because by then it was too late for us to start over. Life gets in the way sometimes. I never in a million years thought I would have an only child. I never dreamed while I was pregnant with him that I would never experience that ever again. I fully expected to spend my 37th year in a full house, not an empty nest. I still daydream about children I will never have.

But God, thankfully, knows what he is doing. I know now that I wasn't really meant to have the big family I always dreamed of. I just don't have the temperament for it. I love my nieces and nephews, and I miss them when I haven't seen them for a while, but they wear me out fairly quickly. My anxiety and depression just gets harder and harder to control the older I get, and I already feel immense guilt for the ways that has effected The Boy's upbringing. My goal now is to make the most of the life I do have, and enjoy the benefits that come with it. And I am actually the most content I have ever been with my life. If I knew that things would never change for us and we would be in this state for the rest of our lives, I would be fine with that. I still look forward to the future, but I don't feel like I need for it to hurry up and happen.

My strawberries are good and thawed and The Boy needs attention, so I'm off to put food together and discuss current events and the status of the semi-missing Joe Kitty.

Okay, now my salad is mostly put together, I'm licking the cream cheese/cool whip/sugar mixture out of my mixing bowl, the semi-missing Joe Kitty has been located taking a nap with the Vansome, and I am now well informed on China, Taiwan, and the Olympic Torch route, and partially informed on Hugo Chavez and the long term effects of his leadership on Venezuela's relationship with the US. The Boy should go into politics.